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Aeyvi

Aeyvi

Female, lives in United Kingdom

Aeyvi wrote
Aeyvi

::Everyday::

The first thing I feel when when I wake is not joy for the sunrise, nor love for another or happiness and delight at the start of a new day.

 

It is pain. Every morning. No fail.

 

The physical pain, my joints stabbing, my muscles spasming, the faint tremor in my hands and arms. The sickness in my stomach, the cramps in my abdomen. The thumping, stabbing pains in my head. Hoping that my legs will work, hoping that my voice will work.

 

I gulp down all the medicines that someone my age shouldn’t even have to be taking.

 

Then the eating. Eating is mostly a misery. Yey for food, most say. Avoiding eating can only last so long. Afterwards crying out with the pain of it and confined to the bathroom in agony.

 

Then the mental pain of how much I have failed. The pain in your chest from the anxiety. Scared of food, of people, of going out. Ashamed of yourself and the way you are. Making sure the butterfly stitches are still in place from self-injury. The hours of crying over the gut wrenching sadness.

 

The panic attacks and fear that you might collapse in public and have an attack, or that you might vomit or shit yourself. The feeling of loneliness is staggering and overwhelming. The deep sadness in my heart that never leaves. Berating myself for not being able to be normal, to be happy.

 

All the countless doctors, operations, prescriptions.

 

Be positive, some say.

 

This is my day.

 

Then, I come online.

Mostly to support, compassion and kindness. More than I deserve. The thing I am most grateful for.

 

But then, to words telling you how much you have failed them, their expectations, all the wrong things you’ve done, how you didn’t give them enough attention. Turning your actions or words against you.

 

To disrespect and anger.

 

I know that I’m evil and horrible. I try to tell people and they try to convince me otherwise.

 

It’s enough to topple you back over the edge, back into the pit of sadness that you were trying to escape.

 

I can’t work out whether being online is a good or bad thing anymore, or if it’s just one big masquerade.

DanucasB
  • Nov 10, 2017, 5:43:39 PM
DanucasB

If it helps, you being online brightens my day ♥

Jaedia
  • Nov 10, 2017, 5:47:23 PM
Jaedia

You are not evil and horrible, I'm never just saying that, I promise. You have a lot to deal with physically, mentally, and emotionally, so yeah. <3

Trellisaze
  • Nov 11, 2017, 2:22:46 AM
Trellisaze

I'm really sorry to read this and I wish I could say something that could really help you in some way... For me, you being online and being able to play or chat with you are always, always happy times (and I know I'm not the only one feeling this). As hard as the pull to go down is never forget you DO make people happy and the people that also make YOU happy are the ones you should surround yourself with. The others will just suck you dry no matter how hard you try, it's not your fault and you really need to avoid people that only bring negative shit to your life. My best thoughts are with you <3

Agil
  • Nov 11, 2017, 3:34:34 PM
Agil

I don't really know you, but one thing I must say is that I really enjoy following you on Anook. I don't really know what you're going through, but I just hope you'll be able to get through it. As long as you make people happy, it won't be a bad thing to be online. Seeing how passionnate you can be, I'll never say that it is a masquerade. As a person who's learning how to make video games, I find you inspiring and it makes me want to go further. Again, I don't know what you're going through, but be sure that all my thoughts are with you <3

Savian
  • Nov 11, 2017, 4:30:26 PM
Savian

You are missed my dear Lu, more than you know *nods* It's quiet and not the same without you here but I know it's not by choice so.. *hugs lots* Whenever and wherever you might pop up next, you know the folks that got your back <3

LunaDra
  • Nov 12, 2017, 6:18:39 PM
LunaDra

You know what I think so not gonna repeat myself here, just a supporting <3

Firkan
  • Nov 13, 2017, 10:37:09 AM
Firkan

Saddens me that you have to go through that shit every single day, but we already talk alot and you know how i think, BIG hug

Aeyvi
  • Nov 16, 2017, 2:27:37 PM
Aeyvi

Thank you so much.. honestly, really from the bottom of my heart. *hugs all* .. I wrote the response in a separate post as it was a bit of an essay, but I wanted to say thank you here too x