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Vijo

Vijo

Male, 20 years old, lives in Baden-Württemberg, Germany

Vijo

With the closure to Uldir, I really do miss you guys. :( *insert broken heart that would break the tags*

 

At least I can give you this small 'present' of our Uldir experiences as a reward!

Big thanks to @Droxx for being the MVP of this episode imo with all the jokes and banter he brought. :D

Of course, the thanks go out to everyone else as well for being who you are... I might struggle right now and finishing this episode was very taxing, but I can at least wish for times to return to this again (hopefully sooner than later...).

[WoW | Shenanigans] #4: Droxx is our special case
www.youtube.com
In this episode, we learn a lot about our dear guild members and an awful lot about Droxx... Similarly, Tam is …
Vijo
  • Dec 12, 2018, 10:02:32 AM
Vijo

So do I!

I will probably re-sub once exams are over (a few weeks into the release of the new raid) for a month - if all goes correctly.

Aeyvi
  • Dec 13, 2018, 1:45:20 AM
Aeyvi

Wonderful work as always, so grateful to you that you put in all this time and effort. <3

Ghostwing
  • Dec 13, 2018, 6:36:45 PM
Ghostwing

hahaha:) Fun to see this again :D

Vijo wrote
Vijo

It was only fitting that this would happen. The past 4 months everything has gone down the drain and now I just spend an hour crafting a word document... and I CTRL+C'd it, closed it, but because it was 3 pages long Word doesn't save it, obviously (asks whether you want to save what you copied, if you do it'd take longer and I generally just decline all those prompts automatically...).

 

Now, onto the story itself... First off, this is a Vijo-long post, so you have been warned!

Furthermore, this one has a bit of a darker theme than usual, so if you're having a good day... please just move on and ignore this.

Excuse the bad formatting/structuring, but I really can't concentrate anymore...

 

So... this whole mess started 4 months ago. I crashed my car into another one (no person was damaged, it was only physical damage, but it was still a huge shock and all that was in my head was just "FUCKFUCKFUCK"... I had multiple breakdowns after that and had to ask my mother to resolve it, because I just couldn't stand it after a few days anymore). I pretty much lost 1k the past few months through stupidity and some bills. Most of it could've been avoided though.

Then... everything started happening at once. Because of the current girlfriend of my father I wanted to move out. I did not feel like I was at home anymore, most of the time I was eating bread or ramen, just something fast, so I could flee into my room and just isolate myself with you guys. The constant yelling at me and waking up to them "playing saxophone" was just disgusting. I still studied on the weekends for uni (more to that later), but that probably lasted a month before I was crushed.

When I move out, of course I have to work... and there come the 2 biggest beasts and fears I could ever imagine (next to my mom dying).

When my brother moved out ~12 years ago I was shattered. Not because he left us (sure, I always looked up to him, he was funny and always seemed to have a high spirit), but because I realized... "That will be me in 10+ years...". I was always afraid of moving out and living on my own. Right now I pretty much do that (buy own food, wash own clothes, etc), but... I back then it manifested that I couldn't do it. Same goes for working. I was brought up in a home, where you only heard how shitty it is to work, how uncomfortable, how stressful, how it just limits your life... I could never cope with the fear.

The only thing that brought me some peace was Youtube... I was a foolish boy who thought to himself he could escape reality.

When I was about 10 one of my friends had the brilliant idea that we should make a 'Youtube (Let's Play) channel' (similarly to 'Let's build a house in the woods, no let's build a camp in the woods! With traps and secret codes and stuff' - brilliant idea, never executed it apart from collecting 20 sticks)... I was like "What's that?". It sounded fun, so I chimed in, but back then only because it was fun. I liked the idea, I didn't know you could work off of it. They dropped that plan after a few weeks, but not me... I wanted to do it. I wanted to make it succeed. I felt like I was different, like I knew how to avoid being as obnoxious as all the other big Youtubers were (and still are).

I knew my content was shit. I knew I didn't make enough content to really have a chance, but putting 5 hours into a mediocre-bad video is just exhausting, without a result. It's fun, yes. But at some point you hope your work pays off. I spent a lot of hours and funds on this stupid dream.

A long time I thought what was holding me back was streaming "Surely, if I could stream everything would work itself out! Yes...". Once I was able to, I pulled through with a streaming plan (3 days/week, 3 hours/day) for like half a year-year? I don't even remember anymore. I lead everything to a point, where it could only succeed.

And then... it didn't. My hopes were crushed, but I wouldn't let my hopes of a peaceful life go to waste.

The thing I love about Youtube (even if it is a completely unsafe and risky job (Youtube could be dethroned in 5 years, ads could just stop giving you funds, etc) is that I don't have a real boss... If I feel like shit I cannot work on a video, but if I feel great I can just finish a video in one sitting... It just sounds so great... and editing is fun (at least when I edit content like this, if I was a professional movie maker it'd probably get grueling very fast). Youtube has given me security. I didn't need to worry about life or anything, I could always just live in this foolish world, hoping that one day YT would explode and I could live off of it, but alas...

Thus far uni has given me nothing but pain. I've thought about quitting in the first semester about 20 times already... I'm unsure what happens with my cat (if I move out, this is in the middle of a big city and he's not really a house cat). I'm unsure what happens with my car (will I keep it, will I even NEED it?!). I'm unsure what happens with my... home. Even if it isn't my home, I don't know where I'll live in a month. I'm unsure what I will work as someday (and this is just fucking frigthening when combined with my ergophobia). I'm unsure if this course is even the right thing for me. Medicinal Informatics sounded like the besst thing imaginable for me, but thus far... I've just heard how shitty I am at Programming, Maths and Medicine (all 3 things that I used to be good at)... I just can't Java.

The worst of all? I... don't need to worry about it. If I want to keep my cat or don't like the new home, I can always say I'll just stay here where I currently am and lead this miserable life, hoping that someday the world just ends or something stupid like that. Right now all I can do is wait and it's fucking awful. Wait for the appartement (which looks fucking horrendous btw, it's given me another attack after I came home after seeing that one... so much to do... so much to put into it in terms of money...), wait to get a job (and HOPE that I will enjoy that one, so I can at least calm my mind a little bit... because if I do not enjoy that job my whole world will fall apart for good... I know it takes a while to find the perfect job, but right now I put all my cards into that one thing... if my fears turn out true, I don't think I'll ever be able to work...), wait for the exams to find out whether I should stay or give up. I just HATE it. I can't do anything right now, besides wait for things to turn around.

I honestly feel like going to uni was the worst decision I have ever made in my life (funnily enough there's 2 kinds of students "UNI IS THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE!!!" and "FUCK I WANT TO KILL MYSELF UNI SUCKS." - you can guess which group I belong to... I feel like it highly depends on your mindset.. If I wanted to, I could spend the next 20 years studying (the only limitation I have is that I have to take [easy programming exam] in the first 1 1/2 years, the rest can take any amount of time I want it to). I've gotten nothing but pain, crushed dreams and me feeling like a disappointment from it. And bills.

My parents have praised me most of the time for how intelligent I am (though I always knew I'm not, I might be wise for my age, but I am not even close to intelligent) and right now I can't do anything besides cry and shiver all day.

My mother is starting to feel like shit because of me, I can't sleep, concentrate, eat or do anything anymore. Seriously, right now I spent 4-5 hours crying to myself in my room and the only things going on in my mind is the wish that I'd never have been born (and it's only getting bigger each day) or how I could kill myself. Before it used to be this "Well, I'd never kill myself, because I don't want to hurt my mom...", but lately the whispers are getting louder and louder... and my wish to die a fast/painless death is fading and I'd take a painful death, if it'd mean I could get some rest finally.

This is not living anymore. I just want it all to end.

I... I want to be a child again. I'm only 20, but I already miss my childhood. Playing games all day, having no worries (except for "Meh, that girl doesn't like me..." - right now I don't even want a GF anymore... I'd take a life of being solo (not even any kisses/one night stands), if I could trade in this... pain) and just having no responsibilities. Sure, I could never get the newest items, but honestly... I've recycled games so many times. I've had a lot of fantasy duels with myself, where I built Yugioh/Pokémon/One Piece decks and I just threw them at each other. It never mattered to me how new those cards were, so long as they worked.

Fuck, at times I even collected a bunch of those business cards(?) and imagined what effects they'd have and let them battle each other. I loved my childhood...

Due to medications I fall asleep at 10pm. I don't stay up longer than that and I only have like 2 hours/day where I am calm... Right before going to bed, but I'm so exhausted from all the crying/shivering, that I can't do anything useful then as well...

Because of all the bills I can't even afford christmas presents... I have 7 whole bucks on my bank account and the only presents I currently have are some self-made items for my brother/sister/bestfriend (and they are really small).

The only way I have found to calm myself is Fire Emblem (almost out of games), YGOTAS (amazing series, highly recommend if you somewhat liked Yugioh back in the day; can't calm me anymore, watched too much) and my sister (don't want to bother her every day, she's got a super busy schedule...).

Not even gaming itself can pull me up. I bought a Switch with the money my mother gave me for finishing my A-levels and it hurt buying it. I felt like I didn't deserve it. I lost so much money lately, that I just felt like the universe is telling me to not buy it. I love it... It's my favourite console already, but... I can't enjoy it. I've got anxiety and I'm shivering all day, there's nothing that calms me (sans the 3 mentioned things). Right now I spend my whole weekend just watching Youtube - something I hated back when I was still being productive.

Other than that, it's so cool to be able to say that I studied at Heidelberg! But... is it worth it if I don't even know what I want to do? I never knew it. This job was the only real job (not including voice actor + Youtube, since they are virtually impossible to achieve. The people that succeed are so few in that area, that chasing it is pointless) that talked to me and that I liked. And now I feel like a 40 year old (exhausted) in the body of a 20 year old with an afraid 10 year old in me... Most of the time I just feel like throwing up.

One day it spiked. Generally moving is super exhausting, so I just move out of my bed half a meter onto my desk chair (tops), but one day... it took me 40 minutes to go not even 10 meters into the shower. Not even showering, just GOING there... I made ramen and after heating the water up, all I could do was lie down in the kitchen and cry for a few hours. I don't know what, why or how I can fix this.

I don't know how to move on anymore. All I think of is death. There was this one time, where I just wanted to hurt myself at all costs... though it was also too exhausting. I turned on a cooking plate and about 5 centimeters before my face hit the plate I stopped. It might've been the last shred of humanity I have left within me or the exhaustion, but I didn't do it that day.

It just feels like I'm a shell. Before, I felt dead, but now I just feel empty. No joy. No hope, only pain.

Whenever something is going half-decently (i.e. appartement in 1 day.. Yay? Oh wait no, it looks shit), life is punching me in the gut, cutting my balls off and spitting on me. At least that's how it feels.

I've had my ergophobia for around 12 years now, my depression for about 11 and my suicidal thoughts for about 10 and I'm just tired of it. I know there's no fix, but this is just making it worse... Do I honestly have to endure all of this, simply because I don't want to hurt those that love me?

It's times like these, where I wish I was an arsehole, because then I could just kill myself and nobody would care.

This whole mess was my doing... If I didn't start with moving out, all could've been avoided. I'd still have my anxiety about this course, but I'd be fine with it... Now my mom has to pay a truckload of money to fix the appartement and she even told me she'd pay the rent for it for the beginning (since this one is owned by her and her siblings, she's essentially paying them and skipping her own earnings because of me).

It just drags me down more. All I can do is ask people for help, yet I hate doing that... She has the money, but it still wrecks me having to ask her for it every damn week. I plan on paying it back to her asap, but I can't guarantee that I can do it... I'm telling myself right now I'll work no matter what until I can pay her the 400+ bucks I'd owe her by then back, but I have no clue when/if I can pull through with that...

I just want to be a child again and go back to my home in Azeroth...

P.S.: If you feel like giving me tips like "Just think happy!" or "Don't worry", please don't. My father has those excellent tips covered. ;P And I know you all have your own problems. I don't expect you to know a fix for this, heck, I don't even know how to help myself right now... I don't mean to turn this into a dick-measuring contest whose life is worse (because I'm sure I have a good one, there's just so much change and fear inducing things happening for me right now).

 

P.P.S.: Sorry about another 500 paragraph post... but by now you should be used to me pulling that shit..

Vijo
  • Dec 6, 2018, 9:35:07 AM
Vijo

So..

I feel fucking worse than yesterday, woo.. I had a slight hope that my condition might improve after the interview.

 

By itself, it was great.. 12 bucks an hour, 40 hours a month (pretty chill), but I have to take a training of 1 month+ and that one starts in March... I'm already crying and shivering more than I did before, simply because work (and I doubt I can pull through that for another 4 months...).

I've been slightly at peace after working on YT videos again, it was fun and I had motivation.. but I also don't see it as an option anymore (I'd be fine with making a few bucks off of it, but even that seems so unreal...).

 

Onto Ash's post..

I already know that once my mother dies, I'll be a wreck. I doubt I could go on and even if I did, I'd be devastated for at least half a year... Sure, the pain will subside, but the beginning would be way too hurtful to bear.

 

How did you manage to come out of your pit?

 

I feel shite about relying on my family, because I don't see a future for me. The only thing that is certain is that I'll keep my PC and my consoles, anything else is a big IF right now... I doubt my sis would mind taking me in for a few year and paying for me.. but it's different if she has to do that a life time long...

 

Right now I'm just incapable of doing anything, simply because I think of working.. the only reasonable way to overcome it would be to apply today and work tomorrow, no questions asked.. otherwise I'd not be able to stick through..

 

The only reason I still go to uni is because without it I'd have NOTHING except for my family and a handful of friends...

 

I just need an Uncle Iroh to guide me now...

 

 

I know it's useless to cry, but it's all I've been able to do for yesterday evening + today thus far...

Vijo
  • Dec 6, 2018, 9:36:15 AM
Vijo

Seriously, in less than 24 hours Smash releases and I should not be able to think of anything else.. and yet, I can't even be excited one bit about it.

Ashen
  • Dec 7, 2018, 4:43:09 PM
Ashen

Hey Vijo, sorry I only just got around to replying.

 

Honestly for me the only thing that helped was time and doing things that distracted me from mulling over it constantly, but my situation was different and I didn’t have depression so what worked for me may not work for yourself or for plenty of others. I don’t want to pry and therefore won’t ask, but if you’re not already seeing a professional perhaps seeing one could help?

 

I don’t have a large amount of advice regarding the extreme anxiety surrounding work. For one job I had in the past – which I eventually left, it was a call-centre job – I ended up on anxiety medication because it was such a stressful environment for me to be in. It seemed to help a little but it was leaving the job which was the predominant cure because the anxiety was situational. Perhaps you would have better results if your anxiety is more generalised but I can’t be sure. Your idea of immersion therapy also might work, just keep in mind that if it doesn’t seem to be helping, you can always leave. You’re not trapped! :)

 

Definitely keep going to university if that social connection is providing you with some happiness and fulfilment, even if nothing else were to come out of it that alone would be a net positive and you’re an intelligent guy so I don’t think that the worst case scenario is the most likely outcome. Aside from that, the only thing I can really stress is to try and recognise that a lot of the agonising over and over in your head that you’re doing is coming from the stress / anxiety / depression. That’s obviously a really hard thing to do, but you can do it! Enjoy Smash, don’t beat yourself up too much about being reliant on family, and don’t write yourself off as not having a future, developments in life often happen seemingly at random as I said before. Obviously they are the result of hard work too, but the point is that when we look back on our lives so far, we often realise that we didn’t see it going the way that it did. Life has a strange habit of doing that, and it usually works out. And when it doesn’t, we’re remarkably more mentally resilient than you’d ever expect. That includes you. ;)

 

The fact you’re able to rely on your sister for a year if needed is really good because it means that if living by yourself becomes untenable for financial reasons or otherwise, you have a place to go with someone that loves you and is willing to look after you. That’s a great fallback / safety net to have it means you have a year to try and sort out what you might want to do / what might be workable for you going forward. I don’t know how solvable the agoraphobia is, but it seems to me that if you are able to conquer the anxiety / fear over work and social situations, you’re going to do just fine. If you’re not getting help from anyone else on that front yet, definitely seek it out. Hope things improve for you soon, man.

 

- Ash

Vijo uploaded a picture
Vijo

And ALSO OMG WHY!!!

Thanks a ton to @Aeyvi my internet mommy for giving me a little present! <3

 

P.S.: What better way to spend the Smash Ultimate hype by …

Trellisaze
  • Sep 13, 2018, 3:27:07 PM
Trellisaze

My Mischief says she's ready to raid! (yes, mine's a girl!) :D /hugstoall

Vijo uploaded a picture
Vijo

Now, we solved the last one (Stealth countering troops), but THIS ONE looks wrong in so many ways!

 

Picking the Troops that counter the "Increased Mission Cost" decreases the Cost of the mission AND gives the mission …

Vijo uploaded a picture
Vijo

Uhh..

 

I'm sorry, it won't happen anymore!

Vijo
  • Sep 1, 2018, 8:19:36 PM
Vijo

Whatever I did, that is...

  • -1
Vijo uploaded a picture
Vijo

I made a thing

Aeyvi
  • Aug 27, 2018, 3:49:33 PM
Aeyvi

Omg hahahah! Poor Flooph and Plobbins!

Vijo uploaded a picture
Vijo

My troops *might* be bugged... or incredibly incompetent.

Vijo
  • Aug 22, 2018, 7:24:22 PM
Vijo

Yup, saw it a day after I posted it on Reddit.. Silly Blizzard!

Vijo uploaded a picture
Vijo

@Firkan has no chill...

Vijo uploaded a picture
Vijo

As I've already mentioned on Discord, I managed to get 36/36 Mage Tower appearances.

Here I stitched them all together in a big picture (I might even use it as a Desktop background myself!) - I also have it without the names and one in higher quality, but it …

Savian
  • Jul 16, 2018, 12:23:12 PM
Savian

You can still do it today and tomorrow @Tammiee. I heard it's easy :P

Vijo

It's been a while, indeed.

 

To celebrate the ending of the expansion I decided to spend a bit of my free time on making another one of the Shenanigans episodes. It's been 5 months, but it's been a blast. If my save files for the last episode (this is technically Ep.4) didn't break, I might've continued with the stuff the past few months, but after it broke around January I just couldn't do it anymore. I'm not looking forward to BfA, but I know that I will at the very least have you guys and that's reason enough to continue raiding. <3

 

See you all (hopefully) in 5 months in Uldir (?). I believe Uldir is the first raid that we'll see anyway @Agagor @Aeyvi @Amy-Higgins @Savian @Myrth @Trellisaze @Raege @Amathal @Alfonzo @Droxx @Druify @Firkan @Ghostwing @Tebby @Internet @LunaDra @Newyn @Tammiee @Tebby!

 

The first month of BfA might not look too bright for most classes, but let's stick through it together. :)

 

P.S.: I'm just gonna say a few extra words to our newcomer @trubetskoi. I do have to admit, in the first month or so I wasn't very fond of you. You reminded me of someone who likes to make the same joke over and over and over and over again within like 5 minutes. However, especially in the last few weeks of raiding, I've grown to like you a lot. I'm glad you're here with us now and hope that you'll stay with us to accompany us next expansion.

[WoW | Shenanigans] #3: Let's finish the Mac'areena
www.youtube.com
To celebrate the ending of the expansion I decided to spend a bit of my free time on making another one of the …
Vijo
  • Apr 28, 2018, 10:30:32 AM
Vijo

Nooo, don't stop the rambling!

I actually prefer our non-serious+rambling raids over our progress raids. It's nice to talk about some daily stuff once in a while, instead of silently sitting there and just looking at the boss % to go down.

Firkan
  • Apr 30, 2018, 1:53:18 PM
Firkan

You know i am the friendliest panda that ever excisted @Aeyvi ;)

Vijo
  • Apr 30, 2018, 4:44:41 PM
Vijo

Damn right you are!

Vijo

As a tiny present and motivation to be as awesome as we've been before I've made another part of the WoW Shenanigans series!

 

This time I've edited it a bit differently and I'd appreciate any feedback (even if it's bad one :p) which one was better or what should be made different.

 

With that being said, let's charge into Antorus!

[WoW | Shenanigans] #2: When the raid starts smiting itself!
www.youtube.com
To celebrate the end of the mini-hibernation and the coming of Antorus, I bring to you the second episode of …
Firkan
  • Dec 1, 2017, 12:18:56 AM
Firkan

Made me laugh once again! thanks so much for making it @Vijo

Firkan
  • Dec 1, 2017, 12:26:27 AM
Firkan

and for the people talking about the slime mount u hang in, neverwinter actually has it ;) youtube.com/watch/?v=oZ5ADgJZEm0 @Savian

Vijo

I took the time to edit our last 2 raids into one beautiful highlight-y video to show the world, what a fun guild we are!

 

Feel free to ignore it, you've all been there anyway. :P

[WoW | Shenanigans] #1: Ahead of the Curve (Tomb of Sargeras)
www.youtube.com
Hello everyone, for this video I tried myself at a bit of editing and I enjoyed it quite a bit, so I'll most …
Vijo
  • Oct 24, 2017, 12:50:13 PM
Vijo

Haha, thanks guys. I'll try to keep things like that coming (takes a lot of time -

though it's very fun and always a good memory like screenshots to look back at^^).

Aeyvi
  • Oct 24, 2017, 4:54:09 PM
Aeyvi

@Firkan HEY, omggggddduh!

@Vijo Wow, this is amazing, thank you so much for doing this! I smiled and laughed the whole way thought. Sooo awesome!! Must have taken you so long to do this and *hugs* really appreciate it. It's so nice to have these awesome memories captured together in a video. Love raiding with you guys <3

Vijo
  • Oct 24, 2017, 7:55:11 PM
Vijo

Definitely looking forward to Antorus to do something similar again, it was very fun and the raids are amazing as well ofc! <3